Edward’s Diary Entry 62 – Virtue 15. Aversion to Slander / What to do about a malicious tongue?

Backbiting, criticising others, slandering, calumny, gossiping, talking bad…

Apaisunam tells us to “refraining from scandal-mongering and talking ill of others”. In other words, the Sattwic individual has a “non-malicious tongue”. Why? Because criticising others denotes a false and mistaken view of the world. From the outmoded, ego-centric, “I-am-a-separate-individual-and-smarter-than-you” perspective, it places the focus on the other person’s so-called “wrongs” and misses the point that the ego overlooks its own faults. That’s the traditional viewpoint.

More practically, it is inefficient, wasteful and useless to harbour thoughts about third parties being wrong and should therefore be criticised behind their backs, because this criticism may serve no purpose. Is the conversation factual and informative? Is it a learning experience? OK. If not, if it's an emotional barrage against someone, it is pointless. The other person is sure they are right. They have their own perspective. We shouldn't get upset about this. 

It is much more useful to focus on one’s own “faults” and observe them. Under observation, they shrink naturally. No amount of pressure exerted on another will change them, because change comes from within. Just a small amount of pressure put on your own failure to promote a virtue will go a long way. So here are 3 things to do:

1) Whenever you find your tongue wagging and your speech becoming overly arrogant, critical or judgmental, shut your trap immediately. Breathe deeply seven times and make a mental note of the urge you feel to judge another. Rewind and think again. Review the situation from a fresh standpoint: place yourself in that other person’s skin and find reasons for his or her actions: he sincerely believes his actions are good; he is defending himself or a loved one; he is protecting his belief systems; he has been brought up that way; he is a product of his life circumstances and cannot help it in any case; he truly has no knowledge of the virtue in question anyway, so cannot be expected to act virtuously and we, knowing this, should practice compassion, charity and gentleness.

2) Another method is to admit a case of non-virtuous behaviour in another and immediately see when you have done exactly the same or something similar. When you see you have done the same, criticise yourself, not the other. And use this to grow.

3) Refuse to listen to people who talk bad behind others’ backs. Politely say so and turn away. They will go and find other people willing to waste time listening to gossip. You are too busy enjoying your present moment to indulge in useless behaviour, aren’t you? We need all the energy we can get to stay aware, practise Self-Awareness, and live in the present, so we cannot waste our mental energy on partial, subjective, one-sided opinions about others.

Let the dead bury their dead. We are too busy being alive.