Edward’s Diary Entry 23 – Any right to receive a sign?

I started asking for some kind of sign, not just dream images or flashes or tingling sensations or excitement. A sign that I was on the right track. So I sat down to analyse this. Do I have any “right” to receive a sign of any kind? I was born into a “normal” family, with its usual problems: a move to the USA, no contact with grandparents, break-up of parents; introspective, shy, bookish, but a lover of nature, horses, dogs and cats. Rebelliousness. A big brother who was an idol. A man talking about the Bhagavad Gita. Listening to intellectuals and people discussing everything. Search for Truth? Too young for that although I heard about it. Accepted hippy movement, everything was supposed to be free and easy. Passions out of control. Lacking Gita virtues 5, 6, 8, 12, 13, 14, 18, 19, 23, 24, 26 – much pride!  Back to England: Out of control. On to Spain: Out of control. As soon as marital responsibilities come, suddenly the “self” becomes important. Morals in shambles. Start “searching” but it is only intellectual. Trying to “remember myself” (didn’t know what it meant) is the only effort made. On to Germany: due to guru crisis I react and finally do something at last: studying, analysing, working on personality, reading, exercises, some work on mind, but no endurance, virtue 23; no ability to make efforts 8, no charity 4, no gentleness 18. But still at least something. Back to Spain: One out-of-the-body experience with buzzing in which I felt fear and was pulled back. Finally a householder again, but failed again. Morals and passions out of control. Lover, but relationship failed. Disaster, more “loves”, finally said no, this is not what I really want. Working on emotions of course, learning to sing and express myself without fear. Then more free-for-alling again and music and Madrid. A little innocent, with presence, but innocent. Back to Valencia. Series of anxieties and partners and then finally just gave up. Back to square one. Truth and the call of the Spirit had to prevail. Ximena promoted salvation and order. With order, after 2 years, a plan finally came thanks to new readings of old materials. But this was only in the month of March-April 2015. My altar was planned and accomplished for May, 2015, which was the first time any ORDER or DUTIFULNESS had been in my life. JUNE is the only month this was accomplished without “commission”. It is now only July. So what has “Edward” done to deserve any kind of “sign”, or something that would inspire him to continue? It’s been years and years, decades and decades, of non-duty and going with the flow. Continuing cannot at this stage depend on any kind of sign. There is a Life Plan and it must be performed. There is Virtue No. 3 Perseverance and 23, Endurance. These are the only things that matter. But still, I have to ask. And will go on asking. But without giving this asking too much importance, as per 13, Renunciation of the fruits of action. So there, that’s reasoned out. And at least there is a modicum of control in the thought process, and in concentration, so that’s something. And the month’s study of Virtues is being very productive. So that’s something else. Remember, Edward, this is really the first time ever that you have actually DONE something instead of just reading and thinking! There is no other way – it all has to be produced inside the mind by actually doing, not just looking at words! So, no – no sign, just persevere!