Keeping agreements... do you?

How do we apply the Virtues and promote Self-Awareness when someone does something we think is wrong? A family member has failed to abide by a recent agreement and is doing his own thing and looking out for his own interests instead of fulfilling his agreement in consideration of other family members. How does one keep one’s cool in a situation like this? 

Well, when it comes to particular things, it is sometimes difficult to say. But in general, all behaviour that follows the Virtues and applies them to any situation can only be what is “good” for you, regardless of whether it is a family member, a friend or a stranger.

So there was a recent agreement and it has been disregarded. And this family member who agreed to do something is now being selfish, let’s say, and is not considering others. Is this something new? Or has it happened before? If it is a new circumstance and has never happened before, it might be just a misunderstanding or a fluke. But if it is a common occurrence and has happened before, the right application of Intelligence and some of the Virtues might have forewarned you that something like this might happen. Not everyone is capable of keeping their word or sticking to an agreement. A person agrees at a certain time and in a certain frame of mind and then when circumstances change and the mindset is “set to another channel”, it’s perfectly normal for someone to go his own way and “forget” an agreement. It’s like being selfish. In the normal conditioned state, with no analysis of one’s mental processes, the personality, depending on type, may first look to itself and itself only. Enneagram types 2, 6 and 9 may look first to others; types 1, 3, 7 and 8 will definitely look first to themselves; types 4 and 5 may go either way, but normally self, too. So with no observation of oneself, the personality and its ruling element, the ego, will simply do its own thing. Ego separates, ego wants, demands and craves attention. Ego excludes others. So it is very difficult for a simple “uneducated” person like this – uneducated in the sense of never having gained a degree of control over impulses, wants, cravings, self-justification and excessive pride – to open up to others, be empathetic and understand someone else’s wants and needs.

How does a Sattwic or wise individual deal with this? If you are intelligent, you have already seen it coming. You know there is a possibility of this happening and you will have devised or at least contemplated another plan. Or you will not be surprised or upset in any way if you suddenly have to adapt to new circumstances. After all, life is in continual movement and requires adaptation, and this includes dealing with human beings who may not be on the road to self-inquiry and think they are already totally human, when in fact they are not. They are just partially human on the outside, because they have not connected with the source of humane-ness inside – which is behind or above or within the external personality, with its thoughts, feelings and ingrained habits. This is not to say they are not potential perfect and deserving of respect. Of course they are, it’s simply that they don’t know it, and act unconsciously. They hardly even “know” what their untrained self wants and desires. They just are their wants and desires. They live in darkness – as in the picture – and the bright spark of light in the sky is just a moon, a reflection of another light!

So you – by practising Self-Awareness – you are already cool, calm and collected. You take things as they are. There is an agreement and it has been broken. You find another solution. You may or may not be able to teach the other person something. Probably not. That is not your concern. You are now ready to devise a new plan which does not include people who cannot keep their word. Because not everybody can. Can you, always? Do you empathise with others, do you understand their needs? Are you ready to help someone else before you help yourself? You see, the situation is perfect, because by having a family member who doesn’t keep an agreement and forces you to adapt, you are actually receiving a favour. You are being inspired to act and adapt. You are being taught about human nature, about the nature of the petty self. While remembering that apart from the petty self, there is more behind a human being than that. So you politely thank this person, mentally, or even openly, and continue with your adaptive, flexible, kind, loving life, and you remember that any action done to you is also a mirror for you. The mistakes of others, even the wrongdoing of others, is always a lesson, and a reminder to continue to practice Your Virtues, come what may.