Edward’s Diary Entry 157: The busy-ness of doing “nothing”

After another 2-week trip abroad where social commitments were paramount, it’s back to square one: sitting and struggling with the body and mind. The body required a return to Bikram yoga after more a few weeks without stretching, so there was initial stiffness and aching the next day. The mind had to be convinced again that such pursuits were absolutely necessary and that no more laxity would be allowed. Both succumbed to persuasion.

And it is fortunate now that the legs can withstand the crosslegged position, with right leg almost flat on the floor!, for well over an hour while various exercises are being done on the mental scenario. The quieter the body, the calmer the mind can be. Concentration on one single thought is quite good; whereas wandering images, picturings from memory and the fantasies of imagination are quietly observed to spring up, but soon dissipate with sustained awareness on breathing. From the outside, it may seem like nothing much is happening in such a quiet pose, but in fact millions of things are going on at each instant.

One portion of awareness is on the movement of breath, the sensation of incoming air in the nostrils and the deep belly expansion as it gently fills up, stomach moving out to accommodate this invisible nutrient; ribcage reaching out while some hidden spongy tissue gently pushes outwards.

At the same time, part of this awareness is on more weighty physical matters, like the left heel tucked in against the peritoneum, the start of a little numbness in the thigh; the right leg almost drooping down to touch the floor nowadays, with a slight discomfort at the hip socket, which has widened over the last few months to accept this difficult posture for me; the sensation of the spine and neck, with a heavy head perched delicately on top; the hands facing upwards, probably with fingers slightly curled instead of flat, but closed eyes and concentration do not permit one to look down and see... Another dose of awareness hears the inner sound ringing in the head, which never goes away, although one might be more or less conscious of it and listen more or less attentively. Simultaneously the throbbing of the heart can sometimes be noted, and the remote sensation of blood rushing through its chambers and echoing in the inner ears.

And, surprisingly, there is still another share of awareness to be dished out in response to the mental body, the so-called mind. Together with breath – if we are immersed in an exercise using words – there are two phrases repeated over and over again along with the breathing practise. So the sense and meaning of these phrases are present on the mental screen. This becomes repetitious at times and allows the mind, underneath the higher sensation of just being aware and looking, to conjure up picturing of, say, a job to be done, an experience recently had, a string of words heard not too long ago, or a situation automatically imagined as being possible in the near future. As one sits quietly and observes and puts effort into a certain thought, others come unsolicited and un-searched-for. This is the mystery of modern minds. There is no “me” or “I” behind these odd extemporaneous thoughts that pop into the mind: they well up without being asked for from a pit whose bottom we cannot see. We do not know where they come from. We can only see that they do come.

Renewed attention again on either the mental or physical state quietens these occasional meanderings and brings a new sensation of standing above all this activity – both wanted and unwanted. The attention becomes riveted on either a darker speck in the blackness of the eye’s focus on a place, sometimes nearer, sometimes infinitely distant, just above and between the eyebrows; or a field of purple surrounded by yellow that pulsates and comes and goes. It is now, having climbed somewhat above the chattering headbox, that one’s sensation of “I” rests in a gentle and calm cloud of peace and quiet (which may or may not ignite waves of pleasure welling up from the body), which, however, is never enough and must be pursued even further…

And so it is to do nothing and yet be intensely active.