Edward’s Diary Entry 86: More about empathy: The good, the bad and…

Take a person with a problem and I’m that person’s friend. An empathetic listening session could provide some suggestions. If these are appreciated by this friend, he or she may eventually solve the problem. Empathy has seemingly worked.

You can call it what you want, but why use the term “empathy”? It is simply the use of awareness, interest, attention and a little intelligence and an attempt to gain a clear perception of the reality behind the problem. And this is where the session works both ways: there is a person who benefits from being listened to and understood, and there is the listener who also benefits by being able to practise charity, compassion and learn about how people cope or don’t cope and maybe why they do or don’t. It’s a two-way transaction.

You can describe it as “empathy” if you want, but it’s no mystery, special ability or additional (sixth or seventh) “sense”. It’s just that two people are friends and feel for each other; it could happen with any two human beings… And if it doesn’t, there’s another factor at work: they are not “friends”, they don’t trust each other, or they have prejudices and belong to different “groups” and can’t forget their own little selves for a moment so as to open up to another.

What doesn’t make sense is when “empathy” means simply “sharing the same feeling”, or “experiencing emotions that match another person's emotions”. That may be frequent amongst both the joyful and the moaners, but it can only be good and do good if the emotions are “positive”. If we analyse it, it can’t possibly do much good if the emotions are “negative”. Let’s go back to our “feelings chart" and review the nasty ones, where we can see the following: 

Fear (fright, panic) Despair (disappointed) Impatience Covetousness (envy) Sadness (hurt, sorrow) Boredom Anxiety Annoyance Irritation

Anger (wrath) Frustration Nervousness (worry) Jealousy Disgust Contempt (hate) Hostility (bitterness) Guilt (shame) Pride (vanity)

Say that Mr “A” feels “fear, fright, panic”, so I as Mr Wells empathetically feel the same thing. Is that going to help Mr "A"? Or do we just starting running together?

Or Ms “B” feels “despair”, is disappointed, resentful. She has a grudge against someone. So do I as Mr Wells help her by feeling the same thing?

Adolescent “C” feels impatient, stressed out, fed up with his school life, and I as Mr Wells am doing him a favour by feeling the same thing?

No, in none of these cases does “feeling the same” help the other person. To help the other person, it is not the feeling that has to be the same. There has to be an intelligent application of interest first. There has to be attentive listening, implication, involvement and this only comes with the development and application of “awareness” – of ourselves and of others. Then there can be a meaningful transaction. If not it’s just a moaning and whining session.

If you look at it, people mostly complain about “bad feelings”. Or do they complain about the “good feelings”? No way! So when facing a problem, and being unable to cope with it, they generate bad feelings, and these are simply the result of wrong thinking.

For example, Mr A (Homo sapiens sapiens) feels “panic” when he sees a house mouse (Mus musculus). Well, obviously, since we know that mice cannot and do not lash out at grown men with their fierce claws (1 whole mm long!) and attack them, but rather run away to protect themselves from what they know are dangerous beings – those humans – Mr A has to put his headbrain and nerves into order and stop his cowardly reaction. He will need some time to do this if he has always reacted this way, because it is an ingrained habit. But habits can be changed, it’s just a question of knowing how and doing it.

Ms B goes on and on about how her ex-boyfriend was so stupid and unkind to her, and she carries her grudge around like a crutch and uses it on any occasion when someone mentions boyfriends, lovers, couples…or even when they don't!  She is wallowing in the mud, because if he was that stupid, why was she with him that long? And if he wasn’t, why is she being so cruel to him now? Will she ever get over the past and enjoy the present? Her head needs ordering.

Teenager C says he’s stressed out, but he hasn’t learned yet that he is the cause of his own stress, and that stress-free living is possible. He needs support from a more knowledgeable person, because obviously his parents and teachers aren’t helping him much. His method of thinking needs to be re-ordered.

So, no, so-called empathy is useless when it comes to helping or curing people or making them feel better if their feelings are derived from wrong thinking. Because that is a vicious circle within each person's head. To assuage this and cure it, the subject himself must establish some kind of order in his own mind.

And just tell me: which of the emotions would you rather feel? The nasty ones, as above, or the nice ones, shown here below?

Courage Trust (confidence) Calmness (serenity) Generosity (thankfulness) Delight Joy Excitement Happiness (contentedness) Tenderness (caring) Love

Compassion Satisfaction Interest Pleasure Friendliness Surprise (amazement) Amusement Hope Longing (desire for good)

There is no other way for a feeling to come other than through the mind, because we interpret everything through the mind – be it a bodily sensation, a pain, an ache, or a bursting forth of unexpected joy. So what do we do? First we set the mind in order and think straight. When in fear, apply fearlessness. When in despair, apply purity of mind. When impatient, perseverance. When there is envy, noncovetousness; when sadness comes, invoke joy. When boredom looms, apply excitement. Faced with anxiety, annoyance, irritation, frustration and anger, apply non-violence and compassion. And so on. A feeling comes from a thought. Change thinking and your feelings are healed. How to change thinking? Cultivate Self-Awareness, apply Virtue 7, Studiousness, and then sit still with eyes closed for 15 minutes a day and follow your breathing and you’ll see. It’s that simple.